so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
