Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
