Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
