I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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