if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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