I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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