I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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