Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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