Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My life is pants optional.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
