What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
