the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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