That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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