it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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