ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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