So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
