I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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