i was rollin on her like bob the builder
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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