i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
