Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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