I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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