im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
