put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
