life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
