I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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