i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
