i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Is it penis luge time yet?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
