I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
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Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize