my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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