I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
