Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
