evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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