It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
