that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
