If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Let's paint friendship bongs
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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