I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
