I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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