I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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