this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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