just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
