I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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