Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
