I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
