please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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