I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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