Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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