Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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