Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
