Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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