Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
