one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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