Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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