Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
