I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
