woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
