I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
