I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
