I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
