My liver just broke up with me...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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