best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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